Fear of Loosing Myself

Wow. It has been a long time. So much has happened. 

After my marathon in April, I started to go through some things that made me loose track of myself; and I am just now getting back on track with life as I want it to be. I had decided blogging was NOT for me, and didn’t write all summer. Today I was tracking back and looking at old posts, I realized how soothing it was for me to write and what a fantastic log of my life it was. So here we go again. I am going to aim to start writing once a week again.

In May I began to have pains in my chest and trouble breathing. I saw a doctor who thought I had bronchitis and tried some antibiotics for 10 days. After no relief, I saw another doctor who said “Its just some inflamed lymph nodes, take some advil”. Again, after no relief, two weeks later, and a painful running injury, I went to see a doctor whom I used to work with. He checked my head, which was fine and then was concerned about my thyroid so I was sent to get an ultrasound. Within a month I was in for the ultrasound. My life turned upside down. I was told I had two masses on my thyroid, one of which was 3cm big and because of it characteristics and my symptoms, the doctor was ‘almost sure’ was cancer. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Though thyroid cancer is a relatively ‘curable’ cancer: the word was terrifying. After THREE months of worrying, and preparing for what my doctor said was inevitable; a thyroidectomy, I got into a surgeon. They rescanned my thyroid, and to everyone’s surprise, the masses had shrunk to size to small to even biopsy. The doctor had NO idea why this happened, but said ‘I guess its your lucky day!’.

I have never felt so much anxiety, fear and pure exacerbation just melt away. I will have to be followed with routine scans of my thyroid for the next year, but for now, my symptoms are decreasing and I am feeling well.

Now, a few weeks later, and a few weddings later, I am ready to find myself again. Because of the anxiety, and symptoms I was feeling: I had gotten away from running and ran a mear 3 times ALL SUMMER. I miss it so much. So I have signed up for two 5km races this month to encourage myself to get back at it. Then I will start half-marathon training again next month. 

I have also signed up for another round of swimming lessons this fall, and another trauma training course: TNCC. I can’t wait to get back to the vibrant, busy person I was. I can’t believe how far off track I got due to pure fear!!

This weekend I was privileged to stand for two of my closest friends in their wedding party. They are such a perfect match. Congratulations Mr. & Mrs. Harbin!!=)

Here’s to new beginnings, coffee, my favorite season, running my legs achy, love and laughter. Prayer really does work.

(A picture in front of St. John’s Harbor on our august trip for another dear friend’s wedding. Congrats Mr. & Mrs. Purdy!)