I threw out my scale.
Actually, if I am being honest, my husband threw out the scale.
After watching “Embrace” a couple months ago, I longed for freedom from the scale, but was too self-critical and worried about ‘getting fat’ that I didn’t do it. After years of maintaining my healthy weight, I was so upset with myself for gaining 10-15 pounds and was so terrified without the scale I would continue on the path to morbid obesity. I would say day after day I was going to get rid of it, and something would stop me. I was ENOUGH without being a certain number logically…..but I just couldn’t believe it in my heart.
Each day one of my best friends would ask me if I had done it yet, even offer to do it for me, and I just couldn’t say goodbye. Finally yesterday, in my Naturopath/Accupuncturists office, I was lamenting about my stupid fixation with the number and the relationship it had to my self-worth. Never once have I stepped on a scale and felt good. Even if the numbers said what I wanted them to say, I always wanted more. My NP simply said “Does it make you feel bad? Does it contribute to anxiety or negative self-worth?” I responded, yes. She said “Well then, get rid of it today. It won’t help you become healthy”.
I put off getting rid of it all day, planning in my head how I was going to SMASH the thing, video tape me throwing it’s itty pieces in the dumpster; push came to shove and I started finding reasons I needed it. My husband simply took the scale and tossed it.
It’s gone. I FEEL SO FREE (and utterly terrified). Along with it, I am not tracking my food, or dieting, or restricting. I am eating foods that make my body feel healthy, energized and happy. If I want to eat the donut, IM GOING TO EAT THE DAMN DONUT. It is so liberating, and yet so daunting.
So…. You might find me writing here a little more often to document my progress. I do have some goals to help me eat more intuitively, nourish my body, and continue striving to be more healthy, rather than 145lbs(the ridiculous number I have strived to be my entire teenage and adult life…and let me tell you…NOT ONCE have I ever been that number). Oh, and oddly-I find my poor self image/weight one of the most embarrassing things to admit- but I know the vast majority of humans struggle with it too, so maybe I can be part of the change and we can set new expectations for ourselves.
Some mini goals I have made for myself with the help of my ND to guide myself into naturally being more healthy, instead of forcing myself to be healthy.
- Exercise every day. Walks, stretching, etc. It all counts. I will continue to run, and increase my mileage, but even on off days-I will move my body.
- Eat a salad or veggie-packed soup for lunch every day. (with as many fun toppings as I’d like to help me get in more servings of leafy greens and veg every day)
- Stop talking about dieting and weight-when I have coffee with people who are weight-focused, it makes me weight focused. Also, stop putting down my own body when I exercise with others and don’t feel as strong.
- Do something which gives me joy every day (face mask, hammock, photography, writing, drawing, painting, etc)
Do you struggle with weight/negative self image? Join me!! We can do this together!!!!