Moving On From Self Doubt

Yesterday I ran the EY River Run Classic Half Marathon.

RIVER CITY 2011
This was my first ever half marathon, back in August of 2011. (above)
I had just finished nursing school, just started my dream job as an emergency RN, just got married, and was in the best shape I had ever been in up to that point. I was able to train with three friends who through running became some of my best friends.
The race kicked my butt. It was painful, it was hot, it was hard. I left feeling more accomplished than any other day in my life. Non-athletic Sarah just did something few complete. She ran a half-marathon. Running was an outlet, a way to prove to myself I was capable of anything I set my mind to.

Flash forward to July 10, 2011: it was a humid, overcast day. One of my best friends and mentors signed up, and paid the $70 just to pace me. I was full of expectations. There was no doubt in my mind I wouldn’t achieve my 6-year goal of running a half marathon in two hours and thirty minutes-just one month ago I ran a 2:34 with digestive issues.

By 8km my  mind started to collapse. I started trailing behind, loosing time. I started thinking about how stupid I was for trying to conquer such a lofty goal (4 minutes faster in less than a month). My toe went numb, and then incredible pain. I was nauseated, my hands were swollen. I started working myself up so much I couldn’t breath because I was fighting back tears.
This is pretty much how the rest of the race went. I beat myself up emotionally. “You can’t do it”, “Just quit now”, “Why did you ever think you could do this? You aren’t an athlete!”, “What a bad friend, wasting Rebecca’s time”…. and on and on it went.

I knew my goal was gone….and then a few minutes later, a PR was also gone. I basically whined, and cried on and off from 8km all the way to 20km. I was ready to pull out my debit card and call a cab. I threatened to hitch hike home. I didn’t fuel properly, because I had already given up in my head. I drank way too much water, not enough salt…and hardly any carbs. Becky wouldn’t leave me. She encouraged me. She pushed me to work harder, and she pulled back when she saw emotionally I couldn’t push harder. She tried to remind me, just ONE MONTH ago, this would be a GREAT time.

At 2:42, 3rd to last, with tears streaming down my face, I crossed the finish line.

RIVER CITY RUN 2016

Today, after almost a full 24 hours of sulking, it brings tears to my eyes. Not because I am upset with myself for the time anymore-but because I was my own enemy. My own self-though process destroyed me. The race was over in my head after it had barely just started physically.

I took my time to sulk. I am now surpassing those demons that told me I wasn’t good enough on race day. I am good enough. I am MORE than ENOUGH.

I am pulling out of the full marathon in September, not because I think I can’t do it…I know I can. I want to love running. The best part of running is the self awareness, and confidence it gives me…. I lost that somewhere in this race.

I have two more half marathons this summer, one in august and September (switched down from the full). My biggest goal being to show myself love, and the love of running again. Run for enjoyment. Run to prove to myself I am ENOUGH.

…Because I am. 🙂 On to bigger, better things. SEE YA LATER SELF DOUBT.

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Lately

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This week and next I work quite a bit, plus I am taking a two day course so it will be quite hectic. I have been trying to really relish all my free time/husband time and get in a lot of exercise before the chaos begins. [I also got this fun app called ‘Over’ to add text to my pics…]

I started the week by demolishing these INCREDIBLE gluten free + vegan black bean brownies. I promise you can’t taste the beans… And I may or may not have eaten 11/12 all by myself in 4 days….I made up for it by eating relatively healthy the rest of the time. Lots of smoothies, fish, and avocado(salted).

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I made a seriously delicious cajun fish recipe….I could eat it every single day. I actually might-since I bought a bag of 30 fish fillets from costco. =) I also was working at one of the other ER’s in town, which happens to be just blocks away from my favorite coffee shop in Saskatoon. It has so many beautiful details and some hipster charm. They make the World’s Best London Fog…in my opinion. If you are ever in Saskatoon, check out City Perk!

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I used a late start at work one day as an excuse to take my hubbie for the first time to enjoy  gluten free quiche + almond milk latte (for me) and a strawberry parfait + full fat latte (for G). Ready to go into this busy busy week with healthy food in the fridge, tons of hubbie time spent, and sore muscles from multiple gym days. =) Hopefully I can get a few days in at the gym despite work.

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