Choosing Joy

It has been a week of emotional up’s and down’s, but I am happy to say I am finding peace.

While my mind changes as to if I want to try IVF or head straight to adoption…I have a lot of time, so I am trying to not let it stress me out.

I think it may seem like I am stuffing down my feelings in an attempt to not really deal with my emotions. That is far from reality. I am very in touch with my emotions, but I am trying to let joy be the prevailing emotion. So do I break down crying at the topic of infertility mid-run on a windy, terrifying bridge…yep? Do I let it take my whole run? Nope. I laugh about the ridiculousness of where I chose to break down, I express why I am sad…and I carry on.

Many people have asked, how are you? My most hated question. I don’t really know how I am. One minute I am sad, one minute I am happy, one minute I am planning my adoptive family. Haha. A short, “I’m Fine.” seems to be the answer lately. I am happy to talk about everything we are going through….but sometimes, at the end of a long HAPPY day, I don’t want to let sad emotions seep in. I want to choose JOY instead of sadness. I AM choosing joy…so if I don’t express my sad feelings to you, I am not trying to hide anything…I am moving on and picking happiness.

..Because? We will have a beautiful life with or without children.

So what are some things I am doing to help me CHOOSE JOY?

  1. Planning. I am a planner. If you ask my husband he will tell you what a bond me and my schedule book have. HAHA!! I am allowing myself to plan for an immediate (2-5 year) future without children. We are planning a trip, and making goals…and I love it.
  2. Eating healthy. I got a little off track in all the infertility treatments, so getting back to eating whole foods, and storing up on nutrients is helping me feel my best.
  3. Exercise. It is amazing how cathartic running is. In many ways I can run away from everything….zone out…dig deep. In many other ways, running helps me to delve deep into myself and my soul and feel my feelings in a healthy way, and then push deep to let them go.
  4. Keeping busy. I find joy in a full schedule. I love being able to look at a week and know exactly what I need to do.
  5. Loving fully. I am trying to not let infertility to cause me to be hardened. I am trying to express my love to my husband and friends without holding back…because that is who I am, and I refuse to let infertility change that. ;)
  6. Simple Pleasures. I am forcing myself to take every day breath by breath. Smell the latte. Experience the flavours. Feel the wind on my face on the patio I am sipping the coffee. I am trying got be present, and ever amazed by the wonderful world we live in.
  7. Budgeting. Getting serious about our budget is helping me see that IVF/Adoption/Home ownership, etc. are not impossible and ARE in our future. It is also much less stressful to have a plan.
  8. Letting myself fall apart. In letting myself take 5 minutes in the moments I am sad to just feel bad for myself….I am able to deal with those emotions, and then consciously choose to move on. I am not dwelling in sadness, but I am acknowledging when it comes, and giving it a time limit.
  9. Giving to others. It is amazing how much joy can be found in helping and supporting others. I don’t mean financially. I mean really listening, caring, lending that helping hand when needed. I am trying to make this more of a part of my daily life.

Thanks for joining me on this crazy, but JOYFUL journey.
***If you find yourself free please join us to raise money for our refugee family. Beer night details if you follow this think….***

The Big Bad I.V.F.

Today we received the news we have been dreading for 3 years and two months; we can not achieve pregnancy and our only choice to proceed to IVF or adoption.


I won’t lie and say we aren’t devastated… but I refuse to wallow in self-pity today. We will pick ourselves up, we will carry on, we will recalculate our dream of a family and what that means to us.

Our plan as of now is to begin saving the 12-20 thousand dollars we will need for IVF- and when the time comes we will then decide if IVF indeed is where be believe our money is best fit for starting our family. We are also planning to take an epic one-month-away adventure some time in the spring to cleanse ourselves of this grief. After our appointment, we went to the batting cages and hit out our anger, IT FELT GOOD. We spent the day together, as we always do, and focused on supporting one another.


Instead of wallowing in grief and sadness…I want to talk about how infertility has blessed us. YES, blessed. I believe that you are given a choice about everything in life-maybe you can’t control outcomes, but you control the way you handle it. You control the way you treat others, and you control the way you share your story to affect other people’s stories….

  • I know the depth of my God’s love. This has been a huge comfort to me. He is teaching me so many things through this process about my own spirituality and faith.
  • I am 100% with the perfect, most wonderful man for me. My husband has been the biggest source of love and support I could ever have imagined. Through this process, we have been forced to delve deep into growing our relationship- the statistics are real- infertile couples are THREE TIMES more likely to divorce. We refuse to become a statistic and will make every effort to keep our marriage #1 in all of this.
  • I am not alone. Ever. 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility in Canada; 1 in 4 worldwide. The amount of people in my life who have secretly struggled, and shared their journey’s with me is astounding. Their willingness to share their most intimate emotions, heartbreaks and triumphs has been so inspiring. I have had ZERO bad feedback sharing our journey. Only an outpouring of love and support.
  • We have enough. We may not have every thing we want, but we have food, we have shelter, and we have secure jobs in which can afford us the opportunity to one day try IVF.
  • I am enough. I have learned, and am still learning… I AM ENOUGH. As I am, who I am, where I am, how I am. I AM enough. A life long journey that has peaked in this struggle.

So where do we go from here? We carry on. We find new goals, we persevere. We blast FIGHT SONG and sign LOUD in the car…because we have SO much to live for.

“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
Starting right now I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me”

Excuse me as I spend the night with my favourite man, my favourite wine, a bubble bath, and my favourite TV series. Thank you for all of your love, support, and kind words. I am overwhelmed by the love you have all shared.

***On a side note: I am a part of a group of people in Saskatoon making an effort to help a family of 5 come to Canada fleeing violence and poverty. If you feel so inclined, please check out our fundraising page. Any support you can give is very much appreciated.****

IUI #2: Nothing Ever Goes As Planned

Warning: This post has raw emotion, details of menstrual cycles, and a lot of TMI. Click ‘x’ if you don’t want to read all about it.

photo 2-2

Round 2 of IUI has been hard. Very very hard.
I went on the oral letrozole days 3-7(no symptoms), then on day 9 an ultrasound which showed my follicles weren’t ready yet (but where the same size as last month when the fill-on doc did IUI. GR). Back on day 13 for another ultrasound which showed my endometrium was 8mm (ready) and I had a follicle that was 13mm and another that was 17mm. I was scheduled to do my HCG injection on day 14 (which a wonderful coworker did for me at work) and then IUI the morning of day 16. I was feeling pretty optimistic heading into our cycle.

Because I spotted almost every day the last cycle, my doctor decided to put me on progesterone. Cue kerfuffle. The progesterone has traditionally been suspended in peanut oil. I have an anaphylactic allergy to peanuts. Essentially the pharmacy told me the original suppository which I was supposed to take (180$ every 3 weeks) would not work for this reason. When I talked to the clinic, they offered me another option, which had wheat (won’t do for me since we don’t know if my gluten issues are celiac or not, and if they are celiac it could cause a miscarriage)…and a final option which contained none of my allergens but cost 400$ every two weeks. If I achieved pregnancy that would equal TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for the first ten weeks of pregnancy. AHH!! ON TOP of the already aprox. 500-600$ IUI with meds will cost (for one cycle).
NOT money I had planned on spending.

Finally, after fretting for a bit of time, the nurses consulted my doctor who was certain the formula of the original suppositories had been changed. After many phone calls back and forth it was decided that I could try the suppositories (in soya and sunflower oil) with an epipen near by…. despite the med-phamlet stating peanut-allergy as a contraindication.

We went in on day 16 for IUI. My husband gave his sample, we had a coffee at our favourite coffee shop [my favourite part-an hour to be together, talk, dream] and then we returned for the IUI. The procedure was done, but there was a lot of difficulty. My cervix seems to cause a lot of problems lately. The nurse said my cervix was retroverted and also very vascular, making it very hard to insert the catheter. She said I could expect a lot of cramping and bleeding after the procedure. During the procedure there was cramping, but nothing compared to IUI #1. The nurse was so sweet and patient with my crazy, nervous self. We chatted about how there should be an infertility walk in Saskatoon to raise awareness. How so many people come to this clinic and few people share their struggle.

After the procedure I laid on my back for aprox. 15-20 minutes, fighting to stay awake- I had just worked a night shift. Then my doctor came in. She is so reassuring. I really appreciate her calm demeanour and taking the time to answer every single one of my MILLION questions and concerns. We talked about the suppositories and she further confirmed that I should try them with an epipen near by, but if I wanted to change prescriptions she would be happy to do that for me also.  She was certain the formula hadn’t actually contained peanuts since 2011 and we must have received an outdated pamphlet. We talked about the sperm sample quality…
Motility 24% after wash-after wash motility needs to be 50% to achieve pregnancy typically.
Counts 54 million= very good
Morphology= very good

We were explained that we would obviously still try with this round of IUI, but that it was unlikely to work due to the low sperm motility (the swimmers won’t be able to swim to meet the egg). I also was suggested to rest in bed all day to give the sperm the best chance possible, and also to reduce the amount of cramping and bleeding from a slightly complicated procedure.  This was very unexpected-I thought I would be able to go to work like normal again. Turns out, I needed the day emotionally anyways. I can’t help but feel like an ass for calling in the day of…when I am not sick…but I guess that is also part of the unexpected infertility process. The nurse was optimistic to say: “You only need one”…but it was pretty clear it was likely to be a bad outcome this cycle. We discussed G seeing the fertility urologist this month, and the four of us discussing “the next step”….. the dreaded, invasive, expensive (10 thousand dollars) IVF.
G was obviously upset leaving the clinic. I was too, but I was trying to hold it together.
As we drove home in silence, the tears started to flow. We came home….I got into bed…and more tears came. I have tried to be so strong…stay optimistic. My heart is just broken.
IVF is not in our budget right now, and to be honest, I don’t know how I feel about months of shots and more meds. I am already an emotional disaster on the simple 4 meds I am currently on. I am devastated. I am heart-broken. I am angry. It is not fair…. but none of those feelings are productive. None of those feelings will help me move on.

So now we wait. We wait, not-so-optimistically for the two week wait. Our hearts are broken, but we can’t be sad forever. I had my hour to cry, for self pity…. It is time to pick up the pieces and rebuild a new plan.

We will have a beautiful life, with or without children. We will have a beautiful life…. we will have a beautiful life……

Thank you for all of your love and support, we are so incredibly honoured to have so many wonderful loving people in our lives.

Miserable Or Strong

Can I just step back for a moment and say…. WOW

I am astonished. The support my husband and I have received since publishing our journey with infertility here has been incredible. I honestly expected criticism for opening up such a personal aspect of our lives on THE INTER-WEB! (TEEHEE) Man was I ever wrong. The blog has never received so many hits. I have received HUNDREDS of sweet messages from friends, readers, co-workers, etc., all expressing their love and support. Many thanking me for sharing our journey. My heart is so full. It is incredible how lucky we are to have so many amazing, understanding and loving humans in our lives. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We feel your overwhelming love and support.


We have started cycle #2…but I expect it to go much the same as cycle #1 so I won’t be doing a day by day diary again. That sounds incredibly boring to read. :) I will tell you though that I am feeling much more stress-free this cycle. This could all change when my hormones start to whirl again, but for now, I feel good.

I have made a list of positive changes I plan to make this cycle:

1) Exercise! I was so afraid to exercise/ nauseated last cycle that I didn’t even run ONCE. This cycle I want to maintain my normal activity level to help control my emotions.

2) Meditate/Visualization. I have read extensively about how important meditation is for stress-relief as well as visualization for fertility. I am going to make a conscious effort just to set aside a few minutes every day to be in silence and clear my mind of all things negative.

3) Pray. I find it the hardest to pray in the moments I feel I need to pray the most. When my heart is aching, I can’t find the words. Luckily, I know God knows my heart. I also know we have a tremendous army of people praying FOR us. I suppose this sort of goes with #2, but I am going to purposely set aside time every day to pray and set aside all things that worry me. This bible verse has got me through many turmoils in life, I need to write it on my mirror or something.

“Do not be anxious in anything, but by prayer and petition present your requests to God. “

4) Supplements! I have been reminding G to take his supplements (there is extensive research on the effects of zinc and folic acid on sperm motility). I am also trying to take prenatal vitamins myself. They make me so NAUSEATED so I have avoided them, but Im going to make a big effort to find a way to get them in my life in a way that doesn’t make me sick. I know that they are important in those two weeks after conception when you don’t know you are pregnant yet!

5) Live life and make plans. I had no long-term plans the last month. Living like my life was on hold was incredibly difficult for me. “What if we are pregnant…What if we aren’t” It sucks. So I have just decided to starting making plans and goals for my next year of life despite what is going on with fertility treatments. HECK. Im an ER nurse. I am used to re-prioritizing constantly. IF we get pregnant, I can reprioritize my plans then.

6) Eat better. The emotional tornado/ fertility drugs had me eating a tons of carbs and bad-for-me-foods this last month. Thankfully I haven’t gained weight from it, but I haven’t been feeling my prime. Need to get back to cooking whole food meals frequently! STAT!

7) Reward myself. I have A LOT of appointments, pelvic ultrasounds, blood work, shots, pills, etc. I am going to start doing small things to make these things more enjoyable. Treated myself to a rice-milk earl grey latte today after a pelvic ultrasound and it was WONDERFUL.

8) Depend fiercely on my husband. He will tell you-I like to be very independent. ESPECIALLY when I am hurting. I don’t like to let anyone TOO close for fear of falling apart. If this experience has taught me anything, it is that he is my biggest fan, my number one supporter, and I chose an incredible man to spend my life with. I continue to strive to be soft with him, and to let him care for and protect me as much as he can. I also strive to protect his heart when I can. :)

9) Start again. It is okay to grieve, but at some point we need to pick ourselves up and move along. To gain hope again. I am going to start to hope again. I know how much it could hurt in the end…but what kind of life are we living if it is always full of fear?

10) Grace. You don’t get to pick your struggles in life, but you DO get to pick how you react to what is thrown your way.

“We either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same. ” -Carlos Castenada

Thanks for following in our journey and continuing to support us.

Have a happy week!

Not For the Faint of Heart: Fertility Treatments, IUI #1

READER BEWARE; I have spared no details regarding an entire month of fertility treatments-if you are disgusted by ‘cycles’, or medical things…or even hormonal emotions….Turn away now.

I have chronicled our first round of Intrauterine Insemination (Artificial Insemination) with injectables as a diary of sorts. Each day I checked in to show what I was going through. Here is our deeply personal, overly TMI month…. 

CD1: I have been VERY emotional, and crampy today. Part of me is so sad I didn’t naturally get pregnant last cycle [this is the first time I have ever cried-damn hope]….the other part of me is part terrified, part excited for IUI. There is SO much waiting in the journey of infertility! GAH! I called the fertility clinic to set up our IUI-which I was supposed to do today and I didn’t get anyone-FOUR TIMES! The answering machine says to call back tomorrow….*fingers crossed* it goes smoothly. I work tomorrow so I am a little irritated we couldn’t get everything planned out today.

CD2: After playing phone tag while I was trying to also work, I finally got to speak with the nurses at the clinic. They were so kind and helpful and totally eased my frustration and nerves. I start Letrozole tomorrow, one pill daily. I am feeling SO emotional this cycle which is very unlike me. Even the hubby commented on how emotional I am-I don’t usual get mood swings with my cycles. I feel like I am on the verge of tears all the time!!! Must just be the fertility jitters? I am crying over commercials! What is wrong with me! Ha!

CD3: Letrozole day one. Worried for side effects-the drug sheet warns of bald spots, mood swings, hot flashes, etc… EEk….

CD4: Went to church today….relaxed with the hubby…. Letrozole day 2. G has expressed slight panic about having to give me the HCG injection.

CD5: I have now taken the Letrozole twice-third dose tonight out of 5 total doses. Zero side effects so far. My emotions have calmed down a lot, and I am getting very excited. I wish time would pass more quickly this week! I have a follicle ultrasound on friday morning which will show if I am ovulating properly this month(if an ‘egg’ is going to be released, and aprox. when) and then hopefully will be doing our IUI next tuesday or wednesday. I find it slightly annoying that our clinic doesn’t do IUI on the weekends (it is a long weekend, and my proper cycle days line up on weekends) but oh well. Hopefully timing is on our side and it doesn’t matter!:) The plan is to go home this weekend and visit my parents-should help take our minds off the imminent IUI. Need to start planning things to keep us busy the two weeks after IUI so I am not thinking about IF we are preggo 24/7!!!!!!!! A super sweet friend agreed to help with the HCG injection so G won’t need to. He will be SO relieved.

CD6: We keep talking about baby names…pregnancy announcements. I think we are delusional. We are building this insane hope which I know is so dangerous. I wish I could stop myself and get back to my slightly cynical self which had developed over the past 3 years. Its a lot easier to deal with bad news when you aren’t hopeful.

CD7: Hope continues. Getting excited for our ultrasound on friday to date my follicles(if any). I keep….by the end of October I will be pregnant…or know we can’t get pregnant this way. INSANE.

CD8: Worked all day.Awkward encounter: a girl was talking about infertility and blah blah blah. Essentially acting like she was the queen of knowledge, although admitting she had never struggled. She basically said that I didn’t have a right to opinion unless I was in the infertility position. I basically told her… Yah well, jokes on you because I am. Some people are so stupid-you have no idea what people are going though! SO many people feel they have to hide infertility, watch what you say! Im sure there are thousands of people who would be so aggravated by her and not say anything…thankfully I have chosen to be transparent in our journey! I don’t usually stand up for myself in those situations and I am SO glad I did. I have been craving mcdonalds french fries like CRAZY…..I don’t think that is a side effect of anything-I think I am just a french fry fiend…

CD9: I didn’t experience any side effects of the letrozole which is such a relief. I had my follicle-tracking ultrasound today. It was with a different doctor as mine was out of the office, but she was equally nice and friendly. My nurse is the wife of a doctor I work with which was also cool-we had lots to talk about, taking some of the nervousness away. My ultrasound showed two good follicles on the left- one 9mm and another 11mm. There were some follicles on the right but they were much smaller. From what I have read you need your follicles to be more than 14-16mm to release typically…but I still have 4 days for that to happen. One may release, or two. That gives us a chance of twins-which would be a blessing, but man would I prefer ONE baby at a time. haha. Of course, we will be happy for whatever we get, if we achieve pregnancy. Nervously hopeful. Sunday night will be HCG injection day and then IUI will be tuesday morning. We will be out of town so hopefully someone can do my shot since my friend won’t be able to if we are away. *Note to self* Wear a dress for future appointments. Its super awkward walking to the ultrasound in your paper sheet with nothing down below….


CD10: Went boating/icecream with the parents and then had a camp fire in the backyard and decided to have an impromptu camp out since we had our tent, and I just needed to be under the stars.

CD11: Went fishing with my Dad and then returned right on time. HCG injection was this night. Surprisingly didn’t hurt a bit-my Dad did it for me since Graeme was too nervous.


CD12: Woke up with morning sickness? Possibly from the shot…not sure. Lasted until mid afternoon when I ate a heavier meal and then I was just peachy. Started having some left sided cramping which is where my follicles were-so hopefully that is indicating ovulation.

CD13: Went in for IUI today. G gave his sample and then we went for breakfast while it was washed and prepared. The sample was a good count, but poor motility. This is a little disheartening as the last time we were told it had improved. I guess it just varies day-to-day. The doctor said she felt we could have success still though, so *fingers crossed*. The IUI was a little painful. They inserted the catheter through my cervix after a few minutes of not being able to get it in…then ensued major cramping. Like bad period cramps. They let my spasms calm a bit and then injected the sample. I then laid on the table for 10 minutes before going home. So glad I wore a dress! Its now almost an hour post procedure and I am still cramping/contstant need to pee…so hopefully that calms down. Taking it easy until tonight when I work-doc says working should be fine. (ps. my doc was still out of the office…so it was the other doctor) Now begins the two week wait until we get a blood pregnancy test to see if it works!

CD14: This is torture. All I can think about is if I will be pregnant or not. I just want to blurt it out to everyone. I can’t stop googling things I already know. Im so afraid I could cry. I just want this to work so badly. I feel relatively good today-a few minor twinges in my right side…nothing major. Im TRYING desperately to forget about all of this for a few days…but it is impossible, I am obsessed. Obsessed over if it will work…if I am doing anything wrong…obsessed over trying to figure out how we could afford IVF if necessary…etc.

CD18: Still going INSANE. I can’t believe it hasn’t even been a full week. Having some VERY light spotting. Makes me worried my progesterone is too low-I have read up a lot about having progesterone checks which my clinic doesn’t do…annoying. Progesterone is important to prevent you from miscarriage if you DO implant. Ive also had some occasional pangs in my low abdomen…its really sensitive. I think this is probably just a)psychosomatic or b)side effects of the injection

CD19: Oh you know. Insanity remains. Getting slightly more hopeless-more spotting today. Woke very nauseated, ate some toast and it improved. Later in the afternoon got very nauseated and exhausted all at the same time. Was planning to get back out and run finally tonight but I think I’m going to have to wait since Im feeling generally crummy today. I think I might just be getting sick! I think I may be spotting too much to have anything happen. Really wishing I was having progesterone checks. I have to keep reminding myself of the thing I told G the first day-“We will have a wonderful life whether or not we have a baby or not”
After G got home from work I started noticing a heightened sense of smell-or he is more smelly than normally. I couldn’t even tolerate it…I fell NAUSEATED from his sweaty work self and sent him straight to the shower. Meds have such a funny effect. I have also started having VERY vivid dreams of taking a positive pregnancy test. It is heart-breaking to wake up from these dreams.
CD20:  Broke down and checked a urine preg test- It was negative-which just means it is too early to check, and also that my HCG shot is out of my system. Ive been having a lot of spotting similar to before I get my period.
CD21: Ive decided Im going to test every other morning now until blood test day-I don’t want to fall apart on the phone with the stranger when it is negative-I’d like to already know…

CD22: Someone walked in on a conversation regarding fertility with a friend and with zero knowledge of our journey crassly told me I just needed to “RELAX”. I swear, if another person says that to me I might loose it. EDUCATE YOURSELF. Infertility has nothing to do with if I can relax or not after 3 years. Our specialist says that after 2 years of trying to conceive the chances of naturally conceiving are less than 10%.  1 in 6 couples in canada can’t conceive by JUST RELAXING. UGH. Got a negative preg test…but then I left it on the counter and an hour later came back to see a faint positive. Ive looked online a lot and apparently this is an ‘evaporation line’….you can’t read a negative preg test after 10 minutes. I was stupidly optimistic…


CD25: How silly of me to have gotten my hopes up. 12 days post IUI…something should start showing by now if I was pregnant. Big Fat Negative. Time to start preparing myself for IUI #2. :( I feel silly to have started off so hopeful. this is our 36th month. Not looking forward to going through another cycle- I didn’t expect it to be so emotional. If I can’t have babies….why do I need to deal with this? I wish there was a way to just stop periods forever other than birth control and I also wish there was a way to know 100% if I would eventually conceive or not. This period of unknown sucks. I just want to be able to grieve and move on if I can’t have a child…

CD26: Feeling in much better spirits today. AF arrived and I just feel clear in the head. Happy to have a week break from thinking about fertility stuff before more appointments and what not. Start letrozole again on wednesday. Will be talking with the doctor at my next ultrasound to discuss possibly starting progesterone since I had spotting most days this month. My plan is to get back into running my normal amount-I hope that will help with the emotional whirlwind that is infertility. “We will have a wonderful life with or without children.” Filling up my social calendar for the next month feels great-I love knowing I will be busy. ALSO my best friend moved back home this weekend which I KNOW will help!:)

CD26 LATE EVENING: AF is gone. Now I just feel confused and emotional again. AHHHHH. I can’t wait for the HCG blood test tomorrow to confirm what I already know. I just want to move on. I really wish I didn’t have to go through this again…. But if we want to have a family we don’t have much of a choice. I have never had such an emotional journey in my life-I often find myself wishing I could be more removed from the whole situation. I am normally a relatively positive person and I just feel so negative…
People who continuously complain about their children are increasingly driving me nuts. Its so hard to hold back from saying something cruel. I just want to scream and tell them how damn lucky they are. Yet-every person who doesn’t want a pregnancy seems to be getting pregnant. Thanks world. Thanks. See what I mean-I should probably just keep my cynical hormone injection thoughts to myself so I don’t offend every good person in the world, right?

CD27: I went for blood work at 9am this morning, called the clinic at 10:30 and then again at 14:00 and still at 15:21 no one has called me back. I was so calm knowing the results……but now I have ZERO bleeding. As spotting, no period…for the first time since IUI. What the heck? I NEED THESE PEOPLE TO CALL AND DEFINITIVELY TELL ME IM NOT PREGNANT BEFORE I LOOSE IT! In other news, I was very nauseated again this morning. I DID eat dairy two days in a row though, so I could be to blame.

Later on CD 27: The clinic finally called me back. HCG NEGATIVE. I am positively not pregnant. They do think it odd that we can’t figure out if my cycle is over or not yet though. Im to wait it out a couple days and see what happens. I have instant relief. Im not sad. I feel completely and utterly content finally. I have some time to just relax and not worry for a bit now until round two starts…Its incredible how emotional this journey is-I never fathomed I would be that person clinging to every little sign of hope. On to another cycle, another try.

ABC, easy as 123.

Some light hearted fun in some pretty stressful days… :) Thanks Becca!

A – Age: 25

B – Biggest Fear: Loosing someone I love.

C – Current Time: 6:34am

D – Drink You Had Last: Currently drinking some Apple Black Tea my parents brought me home from England.

E – Easiest Person To Talk To: The hubster.

F – Favorite Song: Anything by you+me

G – Grossest Memory: I’m an ER nurse…my grossest memories aren’t typical. ;)

H – Hometown: I was born in Scarborough (Toronto). I consider Saskatoon to be my hometown now though.

I – In Love With: My husband. Thank goodness hey? :P

J – Jealous Of: Fitness momentum. I seem to have lost mine since the marathon. Need to set new goals.

K – Kindest Person You Know: Stephanie R.

L – Life Isn’t Complete Without: Adventure.

M – Middle Name: Charlotte

N – Number of Siblings: Two.

O – One Wish: To achieve pregnancy with IUI.

P – Person You Spoke To On The Phone Last: Likely one of my parents.

Q – Question You’re Always Asked: Do you have any kids?

R – Reason To Smile: I have a pretty wonderful life with G.

S – Song You Last Sang: Something on the radio?

T – Time You Woke Up: 5:50am

U – Underwear Color: Black

V – Vacation Destination: So many places Id love to see!! Italy, India topping the list. Vancouver is my favourite current vacation spot though!

W – Worst Habit: Procrastinating work-outs

 X – X-Rays You’ve Had: Tons, dental, ankles, wrists, etc. I was an accident prone kid.

 Y – Your Favorite Food: Watermelon, Poutine.

 Z – Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius.

Hope & Infertility

My Marathon has come and gone. I have a beautiful medal hanging in my kitchen…a perfect 42.2km technical shirt hanging in my closet.


I have conquered one of my biggest life goals. Now… I have to put all of my energy in to a different but important one.

For those of you who aren’t aware. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for nearly 3 years.

For three years I have debating sharing this with the world. While I have been very open with people I know on a day-to-day basis…opening myself up to criticism on the internet is a whole other ball game. Most people know the vague details of our struggle, few know the minute ones. I truly believe that couples shame and fear shouldn’t have to be hidden. I believe that community is so important in this journey…and for this reason, I will share as much as my heart can bare as we start the next leg of the journey.

Next month we will be starting to undergo a series of costly fertility treatments. While we have had some minor ones already-this is the “real stuff”. Within the next 1 month to 1 year, we will know if it is possible for us to conceive a child.

Over the last three years I have found a lot of ways to not get attached to the idea of a biological child. I resigned myself to adoption (which is definitely something I would like to partake in one day, but I would also love to experience pregnancy once if I am blessed with that experience), I told myself I didn’t really want children, I convinced myself I would be a terrible mother, I told myself children would interfere with my life goals…anything to avoid the pain that is infertility.

I thought I was okay with the life we have. I was okay with life without a biological child. I was very excited for the future…and where that may lead us with a possible adoption story. Then we met the fertility specialist. My whole plan going to the appointment was to confirm what I already knew in my head: I am a barren desert..and no forms of life will grow here. When I was given my “statistical odds” of becoming pregnant naturally vs. IUI vs. IVF….I was weary and hesitant. Then, something in the last week since my appointment has changed. I can’t stop researching fertility treatment statistics, reading success stories, etc.

Hope. Something I haven’t had in a very long time has resurfaced…..and it is utterly terrifying. For the first time in a long time, I think if the words “You can not conceive naturally” are thrown at me again…I might just fall apart. I feel so fragile…..anticipating the worst, and hoping for a miracle….

So now we wait, and hope. Within the next month our first treatment will start and we will start the waiting game to discover if we will become parents….

We are young, we are hopeful. Fingers crossed, Prayers sent. xo