Life lately has been odd.
Im not not happy, Im not sad, Im not anxious, Im not mad. I am just an odd ball of bits of everything. I had one REALLY hard week that I made myself a shut-in because I had such a terrible time coping-it hit me like a bag of bricks…and I didn’t know how to climb out. I spent a lot of time crying, and cancelled every single social thing scheduled to sit home alone in my sweat pants. Thankfully working distracted me, and I was able to pull out…. now I am just in this limbo of contentment, with occasional sad moments, but most often happy and good moments. Turns out you can’t just turn off grief or sadness because “You are ready to move on”. ;) Should have seen that one coming.
I am trying to focus on all the great things in my life, but the more I try to take my mind off of having children, the more I am brought back to this gut wrenching feeling that I NEED to adopt. The only way I can explain it is that in my soul, I know, my child is out there, waiting for me to bring them home.[I am aware of how incredibly INSANE this sounds] My head tells me; try IVF your chances are good…but my heart tells me; get going with adoption. THERE IS WHERE YOU FIND YOUR FAMILY. I am SO drawn to India; specifically children involved in human-trafficking there. Every day I spend away from the fertility clinic is another day my heart yearns for adoption more and more. The longer I am away, the more I dread going back. I literally CAN NOT WAIT to finally begin the process and make more solid plans next year.
These soul-searching feelings and thoughts are exciting, and scary…but mostly exciting.
In other news, our refugee fund is going well. A bunch of us were able to meet a family member of the family we are trying to sponsor which was incredibly rewarding. We were able to see pictures/names/ages of the whole family. It was so wonderful, but also sobering to hear about their journey to safety and freedom so far.
I am so inspired and amazed by what these people go through in their lives, and still come out so resiliently. The human spirit is such an incredible thing. I can’t wait to finally meet them in the near future. Fundraising is going well so far and I am so thankful for everyone who has contributed.
I have some-what gone off the rails in the last month-not running much, eating dairy whenever I want (and feeling relatively terrible with frequent allergic reactions). I am hoping to get back on track with this this week. Something about freakin’ cheese! So addictive. [and painful] There is some crazy little voice inside of me telling me to train for another full marathon this year….then I remember the pain of training: 32km runs in the WINTER. UGH. Who knows. I need a goal though. Oh…and the fact that I haven’t run more than 12km at a time since the summer. EK.
I have some pretty wonderful colleagues. I have been off of working nights for two whole months- and I have another two whole months of nights traded away which is quite incredible. I am SO thankful. Its very evident my body is happier this way. My hormonal temperatures have been 100% normal and predictable for the first time in the entire 3+ years we have been trying to have a baby. My skin is also clearing up, and my “menstrual issues” have been a lot better also. Its incredible how much stress and sleep have to do with your hormones!
I booked an appointment to get my first tattoo after a few years of humming and hawing. I am going on my 26th birthday to have the word ENOUGH tattooed, forever, on me.[lets not even discuss the panic I am feeling at the thought of commitment!] I finally had some clarity of what I needed to carry with me.
I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH; with or without a baby.
I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH; no matter what size I am.
I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH; to accomplish anything.
MY GOD IS MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR ME.
I have the best support system in the world.
My family, my friends, my coworkers, random strangers reading… Seriously. How did I get so lucky? People are going through real, HARD things…and yet they still have time to support me through this whirlwind of a year. What the heck! My birthday is coming up…. which means a whole new year of fun, exciting, scary goals- keep your eyes out! I hope I can give back in some awesome ways this year.
Thanks for sticking with me through my ramblings and this crazy journey I call my life!;)